Monday, January 5, 2009

Driving A Car And Internet Forums

So I'm driving along yesterday, when it hits me: driving is exactly like navigating an internet forum! Before you yell "Nerd!" and point, listen.

Look at it this way:

-Police are the moderators, enforcing the rules with bans and other punishments

-You can be driving along, trying to get to something meaningful, when some retard cuts right in front of you, derailing the whole trip.

-Stop lights are the breaks between checking replies

-Traffic jams = Bandwidth Limit Exceeded

-Admin? God

-No matter who derails a thread, everyone else blames everyone else

-Fairness and logic are completely useless and unwanted

-Old people have no idea how to do it properly

-kids way too young to be on there are driving everyone else insane

I'll edit this as I think up others.

Monday, December 22, 2008


spell the word right

i've seen the word "teh" used unironically, ironically and double-ironically. i have seen the word "teh" used immediately after someone said they did not want to see the word used, as i am saying now. there is no point to the word "teh" anymore. it carries even less meaning than the actual article "the." it is no longer clever, or cute, or good. it has all the comedic weight of "all your base."

the only way you can use the word "teh" is if you spell is "t3h", then ur at least trying.

Friday, October 24, 2008

New audio rant, this one's got busses in it!

so here's another audio rant. I was stuck at a bus stop one night for over an hour, decided to record my frustrations on my cell phone. Sorry bout the quality, not alot I can do to fix it.

Tuesday, July 29, 2008

Paintball: it's not a gun, it's a marker!

First I would like to get something off my chest: Paintball is not a war simulation, nor was it created to train our youth to become better soldiers. Paintballs were originally invented in the 1970's as a way of marking trees and cows from a distance (have you ever tried chasing cows with a brush and paint bucket?). One day, a bunch of farmhands thought it would be fun to play a game of "Tag" with paint. So they grabbed safety goggles, the paint markers, and headed out into a nearby field where the sport of Paintball was born.

I say "sport" rather than "game" because a sport is legitimized, has clear winners and losers, and more often than not someone will get hurt. A "game" on the other hand has no real consequences or competitive nature to it. It's like comparing playing Frisbee to playing Ultimate Frisbee. One's fun, and the other is a world-recognized sport.

I have heard some nervous parents exclaim "I don't think it's safe, all these people shooting at each other!" Look, at every field I've ever gone to, the staff were incredibly explicit in their rules of safety so that each participant fully understands how to be safe while playing. Possibly the most often repeated rule is "NEVER remove your goggles or mask until you have left the field and all markers are plugged." Many of these places will offer a warning system (i.e: first warning, second warning sit out a game, third time pack up and go home) while others take more drastic measures (duct-taping goggles over the head so as to "prevent slippage"). Now I'm not saying that there are no injuries, I wouldn't lie like that. I will say that it is one of the safest sports I've ever played. No one is trying to tackle me, kick me with cleats, or smacking a ball in my direction at 80 mph. Heck, half the time you can't even see your opponents! The paint does taste awful, but as long as you play smart, that's your worst problem.

Now, in my humble opinion, Paintball is possibly the best bonding activity between people you can have without it getting XXX. I've gone in with one friend to an arena, and after one or two games everybody's chatting it up and re-enacting their favourite moments. Nothing builds comradeship and trust like sharing a foxhole. It's very hard to play for a day with a bunch of strangers and NOT form a bond (however temporary).

Now, while some people look at footage from a match and say "there's not even any strategy! One guy's way at the back, and the rest are all trapped up front!", someone with experience will look at the same scene and go "wow, that backman is giving some good cover, and those 3 up front are establishing an excellent crossfire, nice strategy!". There is a method to the madness, and more often than not you'll be just following the guy (or girl) next to you until you get to a good vantage point. There are some moments that appear to be strategic, and are really just hilarious flukes. One match I was trapped behind cover, and my partner was waving me up. So I got some headway, started to run, fell on my ass, and slid into the bunker at my friend's feet. Not graceful, but highly effective.

So all in all, it's a great sport, a fun SAFE time, and an adrenaline rush like no other. Look up a paintball arena or field near you and give it a go! Most places will rent you everything you need to play for a couple hours, but bring some energy drinks with you, cuz it is exhausting. Have fun, and don't forget to cock your Stroker before you bunker that taco!.

(translation: don't forget to recock your marker before you attack the half-circle shaped bunker. Don't want anyone getting the wrong idea.)

Sunday, May 25, 2008

Romance and Love: Bullshit, or occasional happiness with a large helping of suffering?

I know all my previous blogs are about things I hate (I do love my guitar though), I figured that it's high time I wrote something positive, so I picked Love. Love is the most painful, depressing, smotheringly awful thing a person can ever experience. It burns, it tears, it kills, and to quote a song; "Love Stinks". It's trying to go against your basic human nature that tells you at a genetic level to sleep with as many people as you can to spread your "seed". Marriage is not love, it is commitment, and a difficult one to keep (ever wonder why 50% of all marriages end in divorce?). Love, however, is worth every trial, every tribulation. Love is waking up next to someone the next morning and thinking "yeah, I could wake up next to her every morning and never regret it", it's waking up with her and sitting to laugh at cartoons you watched as kids, it's calling in sick to work so you can go on a day trip to the middle of nowhere to do nothing but hang out.

I'm not just talking about sexual or romantic love, I'm also talking about fraternal or "friend" love. I have some friends I consider almost brothers, they're part of my family. They ask to borrow some cash? no problem. They need a lift at 3am? I'm there. They had a bad breakup and need advice? I will sit and discuss things with them for hours. I do this because they're my best friends, and I love them like brothers. I'd do anything for them, as they'd do for me. But enough of this brotherly love crap.

Friends With Benefits. The man or woman that thought this up should be given a frigging medal. having friend that I can hang out with, just watching tv, and then her dragging me upstairs for wild sex, and not expecting any kind of romantic commitment? it's great! more people should do it! it brings people closer, gives you more reasons to hang out, and breaks all that sexual tension that normally builds in inter-gender friendships.

So, in summary
1. Love good/bad
2. Marriage bad
3. The "bros before hoes" rule is crap.
4. Bros before anything.
5. Being fuckbuddies is awesomeness.
6. Commitment is for the monogamous.

Love is crawling there if you couldn't walk.
Love is chasing what you want instead of settling for what you think you deserve.
Love is caring for someone else more than you care for yourself.
Love is asking for help despite pride, embarrassment or fear.
Self-doubt and confusion fade away, but Love endures
-Ryan Sohmer, cartoonist.

*note: I'm not making any comments about the second paragraph like "but I'm not gay for them or anything!" because I'm an adult, and I think that if I am going to discuss topics seriously then being a bigot wouldn't really help matters, now would it?*